Update On My Struggle

Hey guys, it’s me again. I haven’t blogged for awhile. Hope you haven’t missed me to0 much!! I know you all love me really. I may be random and rather silly. But deep down I’m still random and silly. 😉

My other blog seemed to go down well. People liked it. So I thought I should write another one and let you all know how life has been since that day. I strongly recommend you read my other blog. That one deals with my struggle with depression. Anyway, for you guys who have read my blog: next week I will be slowly coming off my anti depressants, which is a daunting prospect for me. Doctor Malone said I have to take one every other day for two weeks, then I can stop taking them. This terrifies me. I know there is a chance I will just relapse back to the way I was. I never want to go back there. The feeling of being lost with no one to turn to was horrible. I have a loving family. That did not stop me feeling hopeless and lonely. It just intensified it.

I know some people have said I’m such an inspiration. i’m not an inspiration to anyone. I am writing my blogs to try help others in my situation. I don’t do it to inspire anyone. I do it to try save someone. I know it is hard. But if I can at least help one person I will be happy.

Many people have suffered from depression. Many people die because of suicide. I don’t know the figures. But I’m just one of the few that survived. Recently I have found myself crying for no reason, just like before. But I think I’m just more emotional and thinking about what happened hurts. I re-read my blog earlier and I was laughing and crying. I miss my Nana everyday. I found some birthday cards from her earlier. I still have a pen she gave me. It does not work anyway but it’s still special. The memories keep me going. My grandad died I was 7 so I don’t remember him much. I actually don’t have many memories of my childhood. I do try but I think when I was little my memories got locked away. You see, as most of you may know from my other blog, I was abused but I was 16 months old so not old enough to remember. I think I still have the feelings though. Whenever anyone is violent or screams and shouts I become scared. It’s like my subconscious remembers the days when my birth parents would get mad. That is what my counsellor said. She wanted me to talk about my birth family. She said usually people who come from abusive backgrounds have emotional problems. In a way I think I do. But I forgave them a long time ago. Holding on to negative feelings does nothing but cause you more pain than it deserves.

I hope to speak out about my experience one day but for now I want to concentrate on finding inner peace and finding a way to overcome my own issues.

Twitter: @DivaDwarf

Instagram: @DivaDwarf