Hey, it’s me! Your friendly neighbourhood Spiderman! Oh wait! Sorry, nope, not supposed to give that secret away! I don’t know the identity of Spider-Man. *Looks around shiftily*
Anyway sorry this blog is so late, I think the last time I posted was last year (2016). As you probably guess, this is an updated Update on my struggle with depression. I have waited to write this until now because I wanted to have some positive news to share with you all.
Luckily it is good news. I’m so much better than I was. Someone recently told me I seemed stronger and more confident. This surprised me. I never notice these changes in myself. But others who have not seen me for a year notice the changes. Even my family do not notice any more. We don’t speak about my suicide attempt. It’s like it is a taboo subject, a bit like in Fawlty Towers: Don’t mention the war! I find this hard sometimes as I do want to talk about it. I feel that speaking out about mental health is important and that people should be made more aware.
Last year I started toying with an idea. What if I spoke up about it?? Not just online and in blogs, but in person to a room full of people. At that time I was scared, and convinced myself it was a stupid idea and no one would be interested. However this year after I had a chat with a lovely lady called Angela, I decided it was time I did something about it. Hopefully next year, if the Director of of the Diocesan Pilgrimage to Lourdes, France (A pilgrimage I go on every year. This year was my third) says yes, and thinks it is a good idea, I will be speaking out about my struggle with depression in person to people who wish to hear it. I hope to help people who have depression who have either kept it to themselves OR are too scared to ask for help. I do not wish to inspire people, although I have had many people say I have. I just want to be able to help people, no matter who they are. I don’t care what race, religion and sex they are. I will be speaking about, if I may, my friend who is transgender. I will be asking for his permission first. I do not discriminate against anyone. I try love the world and people in it.
Sometimes it can be hard loving people if they hurt you. I mentioned in my previous blogs about my birth family and how I have forgiven them. This does not mean I want a relationship with them. As far as I know they are two strangers. Yeah, they gave birth to me and heard my first words and saw me walk, but they also neglected me, hurt me, put me in hospital for 5 months and visited me twice. My parents I have now made sure I was fed, clothed and loved. They would make sure I had food and water. They loved me more than life itself. When I fell, they were there to pick me up and hug me if I was hurt. When I fell off a wall In Year Three (before school even started) and smashed my head on the floor, my Dad rushed to the school to take me to the hospital, because I could’ve had a pretty bad concussion. I didn’t, I just had a pretty nasty gash on my head. But still they made sure I was ok.
Then when I was in hospital when I was 18 with appendicitis, my Mum made sure I did my GCSE exam before taking me to the doctor’s surgery and then home to have a shower, so I looked pretty for the doctors at the hospital. My parents visited me every day I was in hospital (3 days) They made sure to tell me about all the food they had eaten those days because I was not allowed to eat any food until after my surgery (Thanks Mum and Dad). I always remember my Mum climbing into the hospital bed because she was tired and knew I was scared. We both had a good laugh when we were finally collected, only to be told it should’ve been a man. I bet those doctors were relieved we found it funny and did not sue them! But to me I was relieved. I was scared the surgery would go wrong. When it was my turn, I asked the nurse to put the needle in my arm AFTER I went to sleep. She did, which was sweet.
My Mum and Dad told me that the morphine would make me tired and after I woke up I would be quiet and far too sleepy to talk. But when I woke up I was chatting all the way to the ward. My Mum’s face was hilarious. I think she thought I would be quiet for once. Shame she did not remember it was me she was talking about! Nothing can shut me up unless you pay me with chocolate! Actually just feed me chocolate for the rest of my life and I will be happy. Very fat but happy!.
Now I know telling people can be daunting and scary. Sometimes people will not understand or they will leave and never talk to you again. If this happens it just shows that those people were not meant to be In your life forever. They are temporary. Like those tattoos kids get that rub off. I lost a person because of my depressions. Not many people know this, not even my family. I was dating a young man called Luke and we were going to go “official” with our relationship. However I believe you cannot base a relationship on secrets and lies. So I told him everything that happened with me, my depression and my suicide attempt. We were skyping at the time and he said to me, “I don’t want to deal with that, I don’t want to have to deal with it. You tried to kill yourself, so what is stopping you doing it if we have an argument??” I was so angry and pissed off with him. The main reason was that he assumed that if we argued I would kill myself. When I tried to kill myself before it was not because of a damn argument. It was because I had decided that the world would be better off with me dead. I felt so numb and disconnected to everything. It felt like I was in a dark pit and the walls were impossible to climb up. Even when I did manage to climb up, something would always knock me back down. He was still talking to me but I had zoned out. When I became aware of my surroundings the last thing I heard him say was, “We cannot be together. I don’t want to love someone who can be so selfish.” I am reluctant to add my reply to him, but I will do. It took me a few seconds to actually work out what to say without swearing at him. I managed to say,
(Swearing in this part. Skip it if you do not like swearing.)
“You fucking wanker, you think I’m being selfish??. Well what you just said was the biggest load of bullshit I have ever heard. If you’re gonna be a fucking twat then I’m glad I’m rid of you.”
(End swearing)
We blocked each other and have not heard from each other since. However before I blocked him on snapchat I sent him one last picture of me flipping him off. It was satisfying though what he had said obviously hurt. I was not going to let him get to me. If he can only handle me at my best then he does not deserve to be in my life. It still does hurt sometimes. While in Lourdes I visited a lake with many others and a song that was being sung reminded me what he did to me.
‘If you cannot find the light, I will sit in the dark with you’, that is a quote I saw recently and i will do that for anyone who needs me. No matter if you are having a good or bad day. I will always be available.
Right now life is going well and I really, really hope it stays this way for me. I might be tired and grumpy at times. But I’m still random and silly deep down. You just need to wait out the grumpiness.
If anyone is struggling with life and needs someone to talk to, contact me I will always reply and I will try help to the best of my abilities.
Last quote before I go swinging around the streets… I mean go to bed, I’m not Spiderman remember!!.
All you need is Hope and Strength: Hope that things will eventually get better, and strength to hold on until they do. Never forget that.
Twitter: @DivaDwarf
Instagram: DivaDwarf
Depression Does Not Define Me 