I’m not really sure how to even start this. I think it would be best to introduce myself for the benefit of people who don’t know me. I’m Rose, age 24 from Halifax in the United Kingdom.
For the past 3-4 years I have been suffering from depression. When I was 16 my mum became very ill with a disease called MRSA. There is a longer name for it, but I’m not even going to attempt to spell it. This happened during my GCSE year. I knew my mum was very ill. People don’t get rushed to hospital in an ambulance for no reason. My dad had mentioned the name MRSA when I was in the room. This caused me to google it. Which was a mistake, as it shocked me how severe it was. Luckily she was well enough to come out of hospital for Christmas Day. She went back in a few days after.
She was in a wheel chair for a year. Every day I would accompany her to her physiotherapy. A doctor told me my mum would never get better – not fully. Eventually she would need to have an operation on her knee. Now years later she is able to walk. Her knee stills gives her trouble but she manages. I help as much as I can.
This worried me. I did not speak to anyone about it. I wish this was the end of the troubles. However my nana disappeared when I was 14. She turned up 3 years later married to a man none of my family trusted. I knew he was hurting my nana. He attacked my cousin and I had to protect my then-baby cousin from him. The next time we saw him I was asked to stay in the car with my young cousin (not saying his name since he is still a minor). I could hear yelling and screaming and it scared me.
6 months later Nana decided to leave the bastard. This was on a Friday. I came home from school and my dad was there but not mum. He explained that my mum, nana, and aunty were in the protective custody of the police. Jack was out to get Nana. My brothers and I had to have police officers watching us at all times. I did not know this until later. Jack had made threats towards me and my brothers. He would come around to the house while I was alone and try to terrorise and scare me. It backfired on him when I called the police.
My nana eventually got a house in Halifax. No one but my aunties, myself and my family knew where she was. One day I went with my mum to see her and she was acting strangely. Her bedroom door was shut which it never was. We were all supposed to go out but she refused. We left then and I now wish I had opened the bedroom door. Jack was in there – I hate the bastard. When my nana had a stroke he stole all her money because she was too confused to realise what he was doing.
My Auntie Sue (really just my mum’s friend) died of cancer, as did my mum’s friend Gail. My Uncle David had lung cancer and he passed away. This year my Auntie Elsie died at age 98, a good age. I never left her house without telling her 5 times I did not have a boyfriend. Her favourite story to tell was when my nana was heavily pregnant with my mum she and Auntie Elsie had taken a ride in a donkey cart. Unfortunately it tipped over and the poor donkey was dangling in the air. We heard this story many times every visit. Being bedridden she would always cry “Don’t sit on me!!” when my mum sat on the end of the bed.
I have some things I cannot go into detail about. But my brother got into trouble with the police and he was arrested. That was three years ago now. It all finally ended in July of this year. This stress caused my dad to have a stroke. After he got better he was then diagnosed with skin cancer. Luckily he is well now and the cancer is gone.
While all this was going on I was feeling isolated and that nothing would go right. I myself sufferered from a very bad debt and I had to pay it off. This caused a lot of stress.At this time I started to feel suicidal. I think this was 2 years ago. I thought life was going well and it was for a while. All good things come to an end and this appeared when my nana had a heart attack ,pneumonia a month later and to top it all off she had a giant stroke. The paramedics said we should come and say goodbye. She was in Blackburn Hospital. My mum was In Halifax. I called her but she could not come pick me up so I could go see her. Auntie Catherine said there was no time. She did not have long. She survived though she looked very ill.
She made us all giggle though so many happy memories. My happiest is when she set her napkin on fire in a restaurant and it nearly set the table alight. She tried to blame me and my mum. Another time she made me laugh was when she was in hospital. I had just walked onto the ward she was on with my mum and we saw a blue sheet run past us. it took me a few Seconds to realise it was Nana!! She had a hospital gown on trying to make a bid for freedom. she always tried to get me to sneak her out, but I never did.
The best times though were when she would try to kiss the young men liking after her. For a 90 year old she sure did like the men!! I remember waking up on my birthday (8th April) .The phone had just rung and I knew something was wrong. My auntie had been called by the ones who were caring for Nana. I sat and waited on the bed. The phone rang again and I heard words I never wanted to hear. My auntie said “She’s died.” I cannot explain how I felt. Only numbness. My mum and dad hugged me and I cried so much. My brother made a joke trying to lighten the tension. He said “Well, she never thought much of rose.” Made me smoke weakly as we did argue a lot. but I miss her so much.
I went to France (Lourdes) and it was so calm and quiet. It was like everything that had happened to me was not important. I spoke to people and they encouraged me to go to a doctor, which I did on 15th July. I was diagnosed with depression. This was no surprise to me. Not many people knew. But I had wanted to kill myself so many times.
I felt suicidal mostly after I had been attacked online by a girl who I will not name. Miss Abbington was so nice asking how I was. Then this girl started to attack other people when I talked to celebrities I followed. I always felt like people blamed me for what happened. I was shocked when Miss Abbington asked how I was. What she does not know is I had planned to kill myself that day. Her tweet actually made me smile. Someone who did not know me cared enough to reach out to me. Every tweet and DM after that reminded me why I was carrying on. – because people cared.
Many people helped me but then a group of people who were my friends started to have a go at me saying the bullying was my fault. They even tried to push me into saying I was not being bullied. Which is bullshit and I contacted the police about the bullying. Abbi is another person who helped me. Autmn helped by just talking to me. There are many others who have helped.
On August 4th everything got too much. I had attempted to call people but no one was picking up. I had told my mum a long time ago how I felt and she said I had no right to be suicidal. I think she thought I was joking. But I wasn’t and on 4th August I went to work as normal. I tried to act normal and not like people would never see me alive again. My first stop was to a chemist. I bought a packet of 32 tablets. The cashier ironically was telling me to be careful because I could take an overdose accidentally. She had no idea that I was buying them for that exact reason. My second stop was a small corner shop to get a bottle of water. While I sat on the bus I hoped no one saw me or my face. I was convinced they would see me and realise what I had planned. My last stop was McDonalds.
I chose there because it had quiet bathrooms. Eventually I took out the tablets and slowly started to take them. I was going to take them all but I only managed 19 and a half. One half fell onto the floor and I started to be sick. A lady found me and realised what I had done. An ambulance was called and I was rushed to hospital.
I’m writing this blog today because i hope people read it . Because i want people to know what happened with me was because I had been too scared to tell anyone how I felt. My mum and dad had enough to deal with. I thought I could deal with it alone. I went to the doctor alone when I got my diagnosis. I would have died alone in that McDonalds bathroom. But it was not my time to die. It is never time to die. So I thought it was the end of the world for me and that nothing would ever get better. I’m glad I am alive and I want to stay alive for a long time. If you cannot speak to anyone else or you’re too scared please contact the Samaritans or talk to someone you can trust. if you have no one you can always message me on Twitter
Twitter @DivaDwarf
Instagram: DivaDwarf
Depression Does Not Define Me 